What is emotional infrastructure and how do we build it?
April has been a lot, on top of the usual a lot. We’re in the thick of finalizing a decision about college for our 18-year old (gulp!) and in the final countdown to high school graduation and what will be a messy and emotional send off.
As we grapple with these changes, I have referred often to the strong emotional infrastructure of our unit. I didn’t think I had made up this term, but I also don’t remember hearing it before. Somehow, I had co-opted it without knowing that it is widely used to refer to an often underdeveloped aspect of institutions. I won’t link to any of these articles, because I don’t want to necessarily endorse them without reading them closely.
In any case, when I refer to the emotional infrastructure of our unit – my partner, child and I – I am referring to these things:
Our ability to be vulnerable with each other, trusting that we will be held with care and tenderness
Our ability to seek out support from each other rather than turn inward and shut out those we care for and love
Our ability to hold complex conversations with respect for each other’s opinions, acknowledging that disagreement doesn’t have to be disrespectful
We are not like this all the time! We fight, sometimes messily; we hurt each other, both knowingly and unknowingly. But I recognize that loving and caring for people is not the same as building trust, holding vulnerability and being open and non judgemental. I know that’s been a challenge for many of us from immigrant families, and I want to uplift the work many of you are doing toward healthy emotional infrastructure.
Warmly,
Sayu