The Three Bs of Being No. 1
Everyone’s talking about boundaries, setting them, knowing them, respecting them. Maybe not everyone, but a lot of people in my world. Not long ago, and far too late, I realized how porous my boundaries are – many people and things could get through. I’m guessing that’s the case for a lot of you, dear readers.
As an immigrant daughter, asserting boundaries is hard. As part of my growth in this area, I’ve been trying to break down why …
For me, it starts with beliefs. Beliefs that I am the one on whom everyone relies; that if I don’t do this one thing, somehow I will fail family, friends and colleagues; that it’s just easier if I do it rather than try to get someone else to help; that it’s not going to take that long; that it’s the least I can do; that only I have the right networks and resources and on and on. All these beliefs led me to believe (!) in my own exceptionalism. And that led to loneliness, not to mention resentment and frustration.
These beliefs led/ lead to behaviors that were/are overly responsive and responsible. Like offering help when no one asked for it, or doing more than was expected, or anticipating a problem and attempting to solve for it. That kind of behavior, repeated frequently, led to burnout, not to mention resentment and frustration.
Setting boundaries requires us to rewire our belief system in order to change our behaviors. And in case you need a reminder, this is not a linear process. I’m rethinking my core beliefs, to change the behaviors. I’m asserting boundaries as part of my new beliefs and behaviors.
Or something like that.
With love,
Sayu