Honey, I Shrunk Myself
This week, my therapist and I talked about whether I could give myself permission to be all of me? I laughed self-consciously and said, “Can the world handle that?”
I talked about how often I have shrunk myself to fit into spaces – classrooms, organizations, (ahem) families. When I was completely myself, I felt too fierce, too feminist, too flashy. So I learned to tone it down, stand out a little less when it seemed necessary. Once you start to do that, it can become a pattern. All of you starts to seem like too much, even to you.
It’s the classic immigrant story, of course – blend in, don’t stand out. A tried and true survival mechanism, like Anglicizing your name. (Here’s a great article by Jacqueline Delgadillo on this issue.)
For me, the impetus was a different kind of belonging. In search of that, I embodied certain myths. To keep the peace in my family of origin, I bit my tongue about my political views. To play along as a good daughter-in-law, I went along with certain gendered roles. To lead an organization while avoiding conflict, I suppressed my own ideas for a more democratically agreed path. Did I do this all the time? Definitely not. But often enough that l hurt myself and buried parts of me in the process.
Now, I’m on a healing journey, one that is focused on accepting all of me, and letting it all hang out. Those who love me always will. Those who find me “too much” always will. Not everyone can handle all of me. But that’s okay.
I hope you can give yourself permission to be all of you. Belong to yourself first, and the rest of us will be there with you.
With all my heart,
Sayu