Generation Sandwich

For decades, I have been an adult child, something I’m more aware of as my mother ages and becomes more dependent on me and others around her. 

In recent weeks, I hit another milestone - becoming the parent of an adult child. 

Some of you may already be there, parenting your parent(s) and adult child(ren). For me, it’s a whole new journey, and I was grateful for new reflections in my inbox from the Belgian American psychotherapist Esther Perel. 

Two comments in particular struck me, and I share them here. 

 You can’t know which parts of your parents will show up in your own parenting style until you catch yourself in the act.

Indeed! And it’s not always a pretty picture. But also…

You don’t have to reject a parent whole in order to not repeat their behaviors or simply make room for your own autonomy. You can take some pieces and leave others.​

This second quote helps me remember to see my mother as a whole person, and not just a parent. And that’s equally important to me at this point in my parenting journey – which has to be different from how I have parented to this point and from how I was parented, especially when I became an adult. 

With my own adult child, I must be conscious that they need fewer guardrails, that they can teach me even more than they have in the past (from what’s up with Kendrick Lamar and Drake to the latest student activism on the genocide). I also try to remind myself that I have prepared them for this moment. 

My mother/parents held on too tightly well into my adulthood, not trusting me to make my own decisions … ultimately not trusting that they had in fact prepared me well for the world. (Note to self: be sure to tell them that they did a good job.)  

I am privileged to be alive and present in this lineage, with all its complexity, especially knowing that family is not a safe place for many. 

I hope you’re taking care of yourself even as you care for others.

Sayu